The diagnosis continuum

Today I saw my neurologist.  We discussed my first 2 months on medication, the side-effects, my small relapse, and then, my MRI results.

The pessimistic realist in me expected the results to be bad - I assumed it would be an abnormal MRI.  There would be lesions.

Yet, although expected, there was still so much emotional sadness and surprise when he told me my spinal cord is now affected as well. 

I have one transverse lesion at C4 (cervical vertebrae 4).  This means it occupies almost the entire horizontal space at that level of my spinal cord.  There are usually fewer lesions in the spinal cord than the brain - for physical-space and anatomical reasons.   So, the fact that I have more than twelve in my brain and just the one on my spinal cord does not matter.  My entire central nervous system is officially affected by this horrifyingly scary disease.

I feel invaded.  Occupied.

And perhaps, more-so right this moment, sad.  I don't know why - the MS is not new.  And the diagnosis is not new.  But knowing that this disease is now all-encompassing in my body makes it that much more daunting.  That much more overwhelming.

And so, we continue.  Blood tests every 4 weeks; Neurologist appointment and MRI every 6 months.

I gotta breathe this all in for a while...